Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You Might Also Like
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
seems like a niche market
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Check your privilege
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you