14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Don’t forget to tip your server
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.