Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
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*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ