Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?