Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
opening twitter today
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine