I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Every work call, he judges.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80