“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You Might Also Like
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Tough love is true love
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors