But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican