My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA