If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.