Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.