What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better