Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
This rocks
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.