Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.