Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
? 💀
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.