I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?