The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Animal poetry
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?