The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend