Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched