The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday