I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
For the orator and chef in all of us
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
reduce, reuse, recycle