FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I want what they have
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.