When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Guy who likes music
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life