He took my last fry, your honor
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[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
sliding into dms like
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.