“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.