Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
RT if you could go either way.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.