Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Have a lovely day 😊
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks