Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I think the cat got the dog high.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time