Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots