Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
You Might Also Like
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Yup