Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
knights of the ikea table
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE