Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Terribly Tuesday.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”