Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Haha good job!!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”