My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon