The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
You Might Also Like
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing