“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]