Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack