Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
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14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.