The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Have a lovely day 😊
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked