Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.