ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
That’s easy for you to say
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same