If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
moms in horror movies
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Pringles
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.