If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.