I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
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Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.