“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”