Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
What?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.