Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
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incredible book dedication
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision