Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Are you ok, human???
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
😜
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.