DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.