a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?